525,600 minutes...

I saw Rent today.

And even though I didn't necessarily like all the songs...I loved the movie as a whole.

I cried.

For the first time since I saw Selena back in 1994 or whatever.

Four little drops out of my tear-deficient eyes.

It made me think of my Uncle Benny who died maybe 8 years ago now from AIDS.

When Uncle Benny found out he was HIV-positive, our family kind of turned on him. His father (my grandfather), his brothers...they all deserted him. I still remember the weekend my dad got back from visiting Uncle Benny in San Francisco and broke the news to us over dinner that he had a "brain tumor". It was the first time I'd ever seen my dad cry. He just sat there at the dinner table, bawling.

I wasn't until several years after his death when I learned more about HIV/AIDS in school that i pieced it all together.

I had never understood why my parents wouldn't let us hug Uncle Ben. Or why we had to eat off paper plates at Thanksgiving when he was around. Or why if there was a big family reunion and someone was missing, it was always him.

I can't imagine how horrible and alone he must have felt. And I wish we all could have been there for him.

I don't think Uncle Ben ever took medication. I don't think he had any support or desire to live. The man who had infected him had died a couple years before.

Uncle Ben died alone.

My grandfather refused to attend his funeral. And I think he died years later having never visited his own son's grave.

I feel bad that I know so little about what really happened, because even though almost a decade has passed, nobody ever talks about it.

We visit his "grave" whenever we're in Hong Kong (his ashes sit behind a tiny little slab among thousands in a hilltop monastery), but we never really take time to reflect on his life or his death.

Watching Rent made me think about how different my life would be right now if he were still alive. I feel a deep sense of regret for having been too young to understand.

But I also feel thankful that he came and went before me. I know it's kind of a horrible thing to say, but he cleared a path for me to exist and be accepted within my family. If I had been the first gay Kwan, who knows where I'd be right now. I'd probably be homeless. My dad probably would have yanked me out of school and kicked me out of the house.

I think my dad will forever regret treating Uncle Ben the way that he did. And in a way I think he might see my being gay as his second chance, to do it again differently.

So I cried.

There's only us.
There's only this.
Forget regret.
Or life is yours to miss...

No other road.
No other way.
No day but today......

The movie was so good. The music...SO good.

I just listened to "Seasons of Love" again and got all misty.

I'm just so incredibly thankful to be surrounded by such wonderful friends, both old and new.

I wish I could hug EVERYONE!!!

So much can happen in a year. So much HAS happened in a year.

I really do think that I was supposed to die when that cab jumped the curb and slammed me into a wall almost two years ago now (see picture below).

I still have dreams about it. And I truly believe that there is "no day but today" and that tomorrow is never promised.



So, on the eve of my 24th birthday, I look forward to the year that is to come, and to the awesome new adventures and people that I'm sure it will bring.

And I hope that Uncle Ben is out there right now, watching over me.