Fast Food Beverages Might Be Worse Than Toilet Water

Twelve-year-old middle school student Jasmine Roberts' project won the science fair at her school.

Her results were not what she expected, and have serious implications for everyone.

Her project compared the ice used in the drinks at five fast food restaurants with the water from toilet bowls in the same establishments. Seventy percent of the time, the ice had more bacteria than the toilet water.

In four of the five restaurants, ice from the self-serve machines had more bacteria than toilet water, as did three out of five cups of ice from drive-through windows. Sixty percent of the restaurant ice also tested positive for E. coli, which comes from the feces of animals and can cause serious illness.

While a certain amount of bacteria in water is considered harmless, no amount of E. coli is acceptable, however small.

Yummy.

I am thankful for Jasmine Roberts.

Behold, the EggFury Omelet!!!

I am grateful for sick days that my friends are allowed to take so that they can sleep in with their formerly-"fake"-but-now-real boyfriends and then come out to delicious post-coital lunches with me all glowing and happy.



I am grateful to Kathy for bringing us to the Westwood Cafe once and for rediscovering it earlier today.

I am grateful for Black Forest Ham Paninis with Dijonnaise spread.



Oh, and also, all-meat omelets.

On gratitude and monkys...

My friend Oprah is a very smart lady. She is a billionaire. I think if you're a billionaire, people should automatically be forced to listen to what you have to say because it might be useful and important.

Oprah saves lives. Oprah gifts houses and cars to strangers. Oprah knows JENNIFER ANISTON. Oprah is special.

She also insists that everyone keep a "gratitude journal".

A gratitude journal is a journal in which every day you list five things for which you are grateful. It doesn't matter if you have a lot or have a little, or if you have a shitty life or a wonderful life filled with jewels and handjobs. Everyone has things in their life that they are and should be grateful for. In recognizing the things that you have, and in making gratitude a daily practice, you can change your entire outlook on life.

"If you start being grateful for what you have, you will begin to see that you have more. That is how you increase abundance in your life, is by seeing what you already have." -Oprah Winfrey

Oprah also sings "Jesus Loves Me" every time she jogs in front of her Montecito home.

Now I think five things is a lot. So I've decided to feel grateful for just one thing per day, just in case I start to run out of things.

Today, I am grateful for monkys.



I realize that the appropriate spelling of the word is with an "e", but I think that M-O-N-K-Y is how a real monky would spell it if a monky knew how to spell. It just feels right.

So why oh why are monkys so great?

Well, without monkys there would not be humans. There would be no you. There would be no me. There would be no Oprah.

Of course some of us are more closely linked to the monkys than others. But we all come from monkys.

Also, monkys like bananas which are one of the best fruits in the entire world (second only to pineapples).

Monkys live in trees and can swing on vines.

Monkys took care of Tarzan when he was abandoned in the forest.

Monkys are cute and furry.

Monkys don't care what others think of them.

Monkys don't judge.

And monkys eat flies and other bugs so that we don't have to.

Yes, monkys are pretty damn cool. For monkys I am grateful.

Confessional - 3/7/06

We kind of watched Gigli last night.

Academy Awards 2006

Over a delicious meatball dinner, we watched this years Academy Awards in the comfort of Katie's new Venice pad.



Jon Stewart? Best. Host. Ever.

Daily Show-style campaign clips? Amazing.

Gay cowboy montage? Pure brilliance.

Jake Gyllenhaal? Undeniably yummy.

George Clooney? Equally delicious.

Charlize Theron and giant shoulder-bow? Highly silly.

Michelle Williams hair and dress? Hagsville.

Live performance of the pimp song followed by Oscar win? Surreally retarded.

Crash upsetting Brokeback? Riot-worthy.

Jennifer Garner tripping, flailing, and almost faceplanting onstage? The gasp heard round the world.

JG quickly recovering and quipping "I do my own stunts..."? Totally classy and I forgive you for Alias season 3.

Dub Driver's Birthdizzle Fizzle or something...

Yesterday we shot a wedding at the Wayfarer's Chapel in Palos Verdes (the site of the Cooper-Nichol wedding on the OC).



We shot. We drank. We partied with the guests. Just another day at the office...

........................................................................

After dropping an intoxicated German off at his studio, I headed east into the hellhole that is Hollywood to join the gang at Blu Monkey for Walter's birthday party.

















Bri passed out in Alex's lap.

I came home to delicious In-N-Out burgers.

Life is wonderful.

Busby's funfest.

Friday night Meghan and I thought that her burning her hand on a pot would be an acceptable excuse for not going out and instead watching fun-filled movies like North Country and Proof (and maybe Rent for the eleventy billionth time).

Apparently it was not.

We ended up at Busby's.

Everyone got silly.



And Kristy made new friends.

Meatball lovers of the world UNITE!!!

Bobby came over yesterday for a meatball lunch, some bad tennis, and pictures!



He starts his new job down street at Olympic and Bundy on Monday so hopefully we'll be seeing more of him.

Also he is dating a girl named Courteney Cox.

.................................................

In other news, giant-ism comes with back problems which I've been having for the past few weeks and they are now manifesting themselves in other ways, such as pulled hamstrings.



Doctor friends please correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that the strain in my lower back is putting pressure on my sciatic nerve which connects to my leg muscles which is why my hamstring keeps getting pulled.

I'll be walking normally, and then pain will shoot up my leg, my leg kind of gives out, and then I squeal like a woman...on fire.

Not fun.

Back on the party circuit...

After a lull in our party schedule following New Years, it seems as if we're back on track to a fun-filled schedule of birthdays, bar nights, and the occasional celeb-filled event.

Last night Dian invited us to the Reel Lounge Charity Auction/Party at the Aqua Restaurant and Lounge. Of course, the girls got sexified.




It was a red-carpet semi-formal thing complete with a "normal guest" line and a "Celebs ONLY!!!!" line. Slightly annoying. But less annoying than it could have been because Megoon's roommate Leeron just happened to be in charge of kicking out all the non-VIPs from the "I SAID CELEBRITIES ONLY!!!!" line and thus asked us to switch lines nicely without all the shouting and condescension.

Open bar. Delicious mini chicken tacos and crabcakes. Free Fiji water. And hosted by.......Bill Pullman?



A good time was guaranteed.

Among the other celebs we saw: figure skaters Sasha Cohen and Tara Lipinski looking tiny and stomp-able, Elizabeth Berkeley, Extra host Billy Bush, scary-looking Fairuza Balk (from The Craft and Waterboy), Russell Wong, Mehcad Brooks (Matthew Applewhite from Desperate Housewives), and of course crazy old publicity whore/fashion retard/ But Can They Sing? star Bai Ling (pictured below with our beloved ScarJo) who walked the red carpet, changed, and walked it again.



Kristy told some extremely drunk oaf that was hitting on Meghan and Bri that they were British and Australian (from Gloucester and Sydney, respectively) and they proceeded to speak, convincingly, in those accents until I think the guy just got confused or passed out (notice how Bri got like squashed between the oaf and Goony).



Also we bumped into Walter, whose birthday we will be celebrating this Saturday.



Several glasses of champagne later we found ourselves pooped and hungry.



We went to Jack in the Box. Ate like mongrels. Watched the boys perform on American Idol (Meghan voted). And passed out.

A new low...

American Idol!!!

Interactive Reality TV!!!!

Yes. We voted.



I will admit that I started it.

My absolute favorite, Katharine McPhee, needed help. That voice! That face! Clearly she is the most talented (and beautiful) girl, she just picked a bad song tonight.



Simon gave her a hard time. He said the performance was "forgettable". America was going to overlook her.

She NEEDED ME.

I did what I had to do. I texted "VOTE" To 1-866-IDOLS-01. Once it began, there was no stopping it.

Twenty seconds later, I called-in another vote.

Meghan tried. Busy. She tried again.

Eugene texted.

Then Kristy.

Meghan and Kristy seem to be prefer pleasant-faced, tank-assed Mandisa.



She's not even FAMOUS yet, and she's doing the one-name thing.

Me: MANDISA? That's it? No last name?
Kristy: Yeah. Like Oprah...
Me: Oprah?
Kristy: Does Oprah have a last name?
Me: WINFREY???
Kristy: Oh yeah.

(laughter abounds)

We are such losers.

Live Music + Cock

Sunday night we went to watch Matt's band, Manixview, perform at The Good Hurt, a cool little bar where the bartendresses dress like sexy nurses.



We brought with us quite a cheering section, complete with screaming girls, candle-waving, and drunken love proclaimations.



Afterwards we got Double-Doubles.



And then, Kristy made us get a second round of cheeseburgers. There were no protests.

ScarJo Day: Part 2

Also...there was vodka.

Doug left our place at midnight, went to some bar, and threw up on a girl.



Epic.

ScarJo's boobs are enormous...

Yesterday was National Scarlett Johansson Day.

We started the day by watching The Island. Still so very good. Still so very underrated.

Got a haircut, went to an evening showing of Match Point, and left the theater thinking about love and life and never ever cheating on a spouse.

After the movie I came home to a pleasant surprise. All the boys were over (Doug, Chris, Dan, Euge) and were hanging out, TOTALLY UNSUPERVISED. No Kwans in sight.

I love that our home is so comfortable and wonderful that friends hang out even when we're not there.

I also love that I came home to pizza...from ANTONIO'S.



Daniel Spencer had brought slices of Chicken Parm AND Buffalo Blue Cheese all the way back from Providence in his carry-on bag.

Why? Because he is the best friend EVER.

As I finished my last few bites of delicious Parmesan-kissed crust, I decided three things:

1. Scarlett Johansson is absolutely beautiful.
2. Her boobs might be real.
3. Pizza is good.

Other fun stuff to do with guests...

The Getty Museum.



Ashes and Snow at the Nomadic Museum.



And drinking.

Celoobrity sighting!

This weekend I have the pleasure of enjoying a Mumivisit!

She arrived yesterday, fresh off a business trip to Vegas.

I took her to see all the wonderful sights Los Angeles has to offer.



The PCH overpass!



The Santa Monica Pier!



Bums!

..........................................

We also had the pleasure of spotting the great Tara Reid, riding in a Porsche with her beau of the moment.

She actually looks quite put together when she isn't drunk ho-ing it around St. Tropez with her boob hanging out all over the place.



(Sorry. That was the best I could do.)

CompUSA FUCKERS

CompUSA has fucked me over and fucked me over so hard I can't even stand.

MY COMPUTER IS RUNNING AT QUARTER SPEED!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHhHHHHhhhhHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And it makes me more angry because I could have totally screwed THEM yesterday.

Scene: CompUSA

Our young, handsome hero approaches the customer service counter to be greeted by three overweight, moronic-looking drones.

DK: "Hi. I'm here to pick up my computer..."
Moron CompUSA Employee: "Ok...hang on one second."
(Moron CompUSA Employee picks up phone. Presses "intercom")
Moron CompUSA Employee: ALBERT PLEASE DIAL "1". ALBERT. PLEASE DIAL "1".
Other Moron CompUSA Employee: "Uhhhhr....Albert's not in today..."
Moron CompUSA Employee: "Oh. I'll go in back and check on your computer. What's your name?"
DK: "Dennis."

23 minutes later...

Moron CompUSA Employee: "Here you go....hmm.......Albert didn't attach any of the receipts..."
DK: "..."
Moron CompUSA Employee: (scratches head) "That will be $45"...
DK: "Uh....excuse me?"
Moron CompUSA Employee: "You paid for all the hardware already, right?"
DK: "yeah........i mean...um....(thinking about the karmic repercussions)....no."
(DK smacks himself in the head)
Moron CompUSA Employee: "Oh...good thing I asked..."
DK: "Grrrrr......"
Moron CompUSA Employee: "That'll be $654."

Bjoern Bjoern Bjoern. I love Bjoern.

Today I went to CompUSA and picked up my computer.

Trouble is I think the dude forgot to install the extra memory I requested. So...this piece of shit is running super slow. And I mean super. S-U-U-U-UUUUU-PER.

Like I-typed-these-letters-26-seconds-ago and-they-are-just-now-showing-up-on-this-here-screen slow.

I might have to take it back in. Oh god. Please don't make me do it.

.................

Got to Bjoern's at 2pm after visiting the Shakey's Pizza buffet.

Yes. I went alone. I have a problem.

Proceeded to watch seven straight episodes of "Lost: Season Two" while "working". Bjoern needed about 438 super-high-quality shots uploaded and had me watch the episodes, which he had downloaded from iTunes, in the interim.

Getting paid $20/hour tax-free to watch the best show EVER?

My job kicks so much ass.

Master of my own (and several other people's) destiny...

Bjoern called me after dinner this evening to ask me to go over to his place to check out the proofs from the GodHead shoot. The pictures were SICK. I wish I could show them to you. But unfortunately I cannot.

I now have a renewed confidence in my photography career and am very excited to get my computer back from the shop and finish getting my shit together. (It's getting a total overhaul: 250 GB hard drive, Dual DVD burners, 1 Gig of RAM.) VERY VERY EXCITING.

.................



Earlier today I did alumni interviews for a couple of kids who are applying to Brown.

The first was Lame Orchestral Susan.

Short and awkward phone interview. As she stuttered her way through her boring-ass answers I could just see the sweat dripping from her round stupid forehead onto her inch-thick nerd glasses.

The comments I submitted to the admissions office:

Plays violin. Is shy. Recommend? No.
My second interview went much better.

Cool Asian Chris. Confident. Intelligent. Varsity Tennis player. Video game lover.

I brought him to lunch. He ordered meatballs.

He received a GLOWING recommendation.

My comments:

Chris is a well-spoken, mature, confident, and extremely personable individual with a wide range of interests and obvious potential. If this kid isn't Brown material, I don't know what is.

I like alumni interviews. I feel like a god.

GODHEAD!!!!

Yesterday Bjoern took me on my first pro-photoshoot. He was shooting this band called GodHead.



Over the course of the incredibly awesome 5-hour shoot, I learned a shit-ton of new tricks, discovered a bunch of lofty light-filled locations to shoot people, and basically just got to see how a pro photographer directs people.

Bjoern described their music as cyber-techno-punk. I expected them to be totally creepy and that we'd be talking about drinking lamb blood and burning babies, but they turned out to be the nicest sweetest guys ever. The lead singer, Jason (the bald one), was actually really shy. We talked about Lost, 24, David LaChappelle, and how amazing the OC soundtrack is.

Playing in a punk band is only a side job for them and has been for 10 years. They make decent money and have put out 6 albums, but the guys all have side-jobs as Photoshop experts, voiceover artists, audio engineers, and real estate mini-moguls.

It made me realize that it really is all just a business and their creepy image is just part of their marketing. They're not in a band because they expect to be the next U2, they do it because they love it and that's what people do out here in LA because they can. There are just so many ways to make money creatively that you wouldn't have the opportunity to in any other city.

All the money that the band makes (which sometimes is and sometimes is not enough to live extremely comfortably off of) is deposited directly into their retirement accounts. They're not hardcore drug addicts or partiers. They have families!

And Bjoern got paid almost 2 G's for less than five hours of work.

I can't wait to be Bjoern.

Smershio signs a lease!!!

Last night we went to the lovely little bar/foodie place Father's Office to celebrate the Schmonster's impending move to Venice.

Yes, yes. KATIE IS MOVING TO THE WEST SIIIIIIIIDE!!!

Ohhhhhh the fun that will be had.

So. Father's Office. Home of the most delicious sweet potato french fries with garlic-parsley aioli dip and The Office Burger: Dry Aged Beef w/ caramelized onion, applewood bacon compote, gruyere, matag blue cheese and aruuuuugula.

Yum-O.



In other news, Eugene has accepted a dinner-date with Steven on Friday.

Also, he has begun referring to him as "my boyfriend".

Jokingly, of course.......maybe.