Long Beach is the Wrong Beach

So it seems like Kristy may be moving to Long Beach in January to live with MikeyMike in his newly purchased apartment.




Also she will be sharing the space with MoonDoggy (also known as Moonberry).



In preparation for this change, we decided to spend an evening out in Long Beach to check out the bar scene.

After visiting 1, 2, 3, 4 bars that were all pretty lame and populated with olds, balds, and/or really drunk college freshmen...we kind of gave up...and went to Hooters.



It's funny because everywhere else in the country, Hooters girls tend to be kind of attractive...



In Southern California, however, all the hot girls get higher-paying jobs at all the hot bars and clubs and so you are left with Hooters girls that look like this...



...only fatter. And with glasses.

Mikey still enjoyed the scenery though.

Canadian Asian Friends

Are you guys still out there?

Haven't heard from you since Naia's party.

I'm sorry I made fun of your mating rituals.

We miss you.

Oh craigslist...

Here's a great email Doug sent me:

This is funny. Make sure you read the response ("the answer") to
this posting further below.

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

Connecticut Party / Moonbounce

Friday night there was another Connecticut party at this awesome girl Lauren's Connecticut-style house (where, according to legend they filmed one of the party scenes in Superbad).



I think earlier in the day there had been some other younger person's party (little sister maybe?) and as a result there was a Moonbounce left over.



And not just any Moonbounce...



...but a Moonbounce with a SLIDE...



Sumner and Bobbo were the first to enjoy it.



Eventually ending up rolling around lustfully.

(Lady Di would have been so proud.)



Chris and Doug were dominating in Beirut (Doug set a record time in finishing one team off in less than three minutes)...



The party was going great...




And then out of nowhere, some Ogre Boy attacked me...



Tried to steal my camera...



...and ran into the Moonbounce (blatantly disregarding party host Lauren's initial announcement that the weight limit of the Moonbounce was 1,000 pounds and that anyone exceeding that weight was not allowed inside.)



...



...



...

Breaking the Moonbounce was kind of a huge party foul, after which we tried to disassociate ourselves from Christian...by leaving.

So we headed to Carl's, where we bumped into Ryan.



Deeeeleeeecious.

Maria Shriver has no business interview anyone: Part 2

So. Very. Terrifying.

Power Hour and the Abbot Kinney Festival

The shotglasses came out.



Katie and Lady Di organized a Power Hour for sober people.



Sumner's glass was a little racy.



Also Sumner and Diana were coincidentally wearing color-coordinated outfits.



As were we.



The Power Hour started.



For those not in the know:

Power Hour = 60 shots of beer in 60 minutes.



Beer has effect on the small girls quickly.




And the Bratz dolls came out to play.




By the end of 60-ish minutes (we actually kept it going to Century Club) there were significantly more people and significantly more trashed-ness.






In her drunken state, Smersh felt the need for a wardrobe change.



Finally it was off to the festival.




Tens of thousands of people...



...and a girldude.



Bumped into Laryssa (of Adam & Laryssa).



And also saw a parade of colorful fairypilgrims.



Ended up at The Brig where they had a huge outdoor tent set up with beer and meat slices.




I don't know why but there was headbutting.



Oh and I discovered that from one very special angle, Sumner has a Michael Jackson nose.



I heart daydrinking.