Biggest Bachelor Douche in History

Oh my god.

So I'm sure you have a life and did not waste the past few months watching 2-hour episodes of the Bachelor every week, so let me recap it for you.

Bachelor dates 25 women. Narrows it down week by week.

Finally there are 4. They go to visit each other's families.

More rejection.

Finally there are two.

Bachelor says goodbye to one (Molly Malaney), cries like a baby bitch, but then goes and says "marry me" to the other (Melissa Rycroft).

Both kind of suck.

Melissa is meh with horse teeth and puffy face.



And Molly should be attractive...but the sum of her parts just don't add up.... possibly something to do with the serial-killer eyes, excessive eyeliner, and a side of superlamesauceness.



(And keep in mind this is all with decent lighting and generous amounts of Photoshop.)

All the girls this season have actually been totally awful. (Everyone except for crazy myspace-stalker Shannon. She was great.)

ANYWAY...

So Bachelor Jason proposed to Melissa in the finale...they jumped in the pool with his handicapped-looking toddlerchild and giggled and played like a soon to be happy family...

But then immediately in the aftershow (the finale is taped several months prior) Jason tells host Chris Harrison that it's not going to work out with Melissa because the chemistry has changed since the finale taped and all he can think about is Molly. (Both the girls are backstage in soundproof boxes waiting for their turn to be interviewed/confronted.)

Hello Douchebaggery, here we come!

Melissa then walks onto the stage from her soundproof box backstage, not knowing what's going to happen, and Jason proceeds to BREAK OFF their engagement and DUMPS HER ON NATIONAL TV.

Minutes after she drives off in her limo crying, it's Molly's turn (who he dumped on the finale in order to propose to Melissa) to come onstage. He's sorry and tells her he made a mistake with Melissa and just dumped her moments ago and would like to have another shot and "maybe grab coffee or something sometime..."

Molly is flabbergasted and crumbles like the weak soul she is and takes him back...AND THEN THEY MAKE OUT ON NATIONAL TV!

MINUTES AFTER HE DUMPED HIS FIANCEE!

WHAT A DOUCHEBAG!!!!!!!!

Clearly he could have broken up with Melissa before they had to go on the aftershow. He had like 3-6 months to do so. But obviously he consulted with producers and they probably offered him money to hold off on the breakup until there were cameras present.

At least Melissa had the presence of mind to mutter, "You are SUCH a bastard." as he was trying to explain himself and come off all good-guy and caring. That got a good laugh.

Wow.

Epic levels of douchery achieved tonight.

Congratulations Jason Mesnick.

You've somehow managed to make Octomom seem like a relatively decent human being that makes rational decisions.



Tomorrow there's After the Final Rose: Part 2 to see what has happened after the aforementioned events occurred.

Maybe this time they'll surprise Jason by having a gang of midgets sodomize his child in front of him on national tv. That'd be twist...

P.S. 24 is the most amazing show in the history of television.

What NOT to do after a first date...

The following is a INSANE email exchange that our little friend "Shelley" was a victim of following an apparently not-so-super first date. Keep that in mind. They went on ONE date.

I mean...if you got this kind of crazy email from someone (and oh god it is CRAZY) could you really keep it to yourself? Ich don't think so.

This thing is going viral.

It's up there with that infamous craigslist post.

Enjoy.

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From: Christopher Segerdale [mailto:csegs@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, December 02, 2008 1:42 PM
To: Shelley G. [mailto:shelley.g@gmail.com]
Subject: Update

Hey dork,

Did you get lost in Ohio? Lol!

If you aren't interested in hanging out again, no big deal, just let me know.

I don't want to keep reaching out to you if you're not interested. This is not a good look for me ;) Lol!

and to be honest, I have someone who wants to go out with me but I've been holding off because I thought we had fun and wanted to continue to hang.

I'm a pretty upfront and honest person. Not really into the games, so just let me know.

Hope all is well otherwise and you had a nice thanksgiving.

If you do want to meet up again, just let me know.

I think I mentioned this to you but I have a very cool art museum lined up (my friend is a phenomenal artist) that I also thought you'd like to check out.

And wanted to try two restaurants in my new area (one French, one Italian) and I figured you'd also want to see my new apartment and critique it compared to the 50 year old sea hag interior designer who helped me out. Lol!

-Chris

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From: Shelley G. [mailto:shelley.g@gmail.com]
From: Christopher Segerdale [mailto:csegs@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, December 2, 2008 2:09:59 PM
Subject: RE: Update

Hey sorry for not getting back to you; I just don’t think it’s going to work out. I have a lot going on with work and what I’m going to be doing in the next few months so I just need to focus on that. I had fun, I’m just sort of unavailable right now. Hope you understand. Good luck with this other girl though.

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From: Christopher Segerdale [mailto:csegs@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, December 02, 2008 2:23 PM
To: Shelley G. [mailto:shelley.g@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Update

I don't like the other girl silly, I like you.

What does work have to do with me? Work is insane for everyone right now.

Being unavailable because of work is totally understandable.

No one knows that more than me.

I'm not looking for something serious, I don't even know you.

Is that the impression you got?

I just thought we had fun and wanted to casually hang and see what happens.

If it's work, we could work around that, I'm very understanding, but if you just think I'm ugly, mean and your not attracted to me, then that's another story.

Is it really just work?

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From: Shelley G. [mailto:shelley.g@gmail.com]
From: Christopher Segerdale [mailto:csegs@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, December 2, 2008 3:03:37 PM
Subject: Alright...

Wow... ok, well if you really want a brutally honest answer...

First of all, yes, work really does suck right now. I'm going to be laid off at some point this week which is something I probably shouldn't know but we're a small company and everyone knows each other's business, so basically I'm just sitting around waiting to be called down to hr. That said, I'm bummed because I love my job but this new found freedom is giving me the opportunity to study in Italy which is something that I've been wanting to do for a long time now. So if all goes accordingly, I will be leaving in the middle of January for at the very least a year. Reason number one that this won't work out...

Reason number two is that I'm still a little hung up on my ex-boyfriend. The event that I was supposed to go to on the Thursday we hung out was a charity auction that he was putting on. It seemed like a good idea for me to go out with someone else rather than put myself through a night of torture where I was just sitting wishing that we were still together. Sorry if it seems like I used you but I guess you never know where things will go unless you try. Plus I had a lot of fun on Halloween and thought maybe there could be something... but at the end of the night I just didn't feel any sparks.

Hope this isn't too honest but it seems like this is what you wanted. Good luck with everything.

-Shelley

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From: Christopher Segerdale [mailto:csegs@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, December 02, 2008 4:32 PM
To: Shelley G. [mailto:shelley.g@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Alright...

This makes SO much more sense now! Thank you.

So, first off with your job, you're going to get screwed because you are probably one of the youngest at HBO. Sometimes they keep younger folks that really love there job because they don't have to pay them that much but usually the first happens. The bottomline is to make connections, learn from the experience and move on. There are a million jobs out there, especially in the city. That is one of the beauties of living in NYC. And you're not in finance. There are a lot of people in worse shape than you. I bet you could actually get paid even more at your next position and find something just as fun and something you love just as much. In regards to Italy, I think you should go. Sometimes these things happen for a reason and the older you get and more ingrained you are with your job, the harder it is to do something like travel. I think Italy would be an amazing experience and if you have the opportunity to explore and learn from it, you should do it. The only negative I see there is I've had a lot of friends do this and come back a year or two later and just felt that they were behind in terms of career growth. A lot almost had to start lower and take pay-cuts, then work there way up. But bottomline is they all are doing well now and don't regret the experience. There is a lot more to life then just money. If Italy is something that will make you happy, then absolutely do it.

You are intelligent, beautiful and have your sh-t together. You are an asset to anyone who hires you. Don't let this job get you down. A lot of layoffs are just a number and timing game and have nothing to do with the individual. Do not take it personally.

Secondly, don't get mad at me here, I'm just typing quickly cause I have to hop on a call but SPARE me with this "I'm still in love with my ex drama bs."

I had no idea you were even still into someone and how on earth could you judge "me" when we met for 4 hrs and 1/2 of that time we were piss drunk on a boat looking like morons. LOL! That's insane.

You have to spend a little more time than 4 hrs at Doc Watsons to know. Lol! I'm sorry to laugh but that's just ridiculous, plus how could I ever of got a real shot with you when you are thinking about your ex. I was set up to fail, hands-down. And that's bs.

But in the end, this is your loss. I'm totally not saying that in a d-ck way.

I've dated two girls seriously in my life, 3 years each. One was a lawyer and one was a model/designer/actress.

I was even linked to Britney Spears for awhile but that's another hilarious story which didn't go over so well in the tabloids with my parents. LOL!

The point is they all have said "I'm so perfect, caring, smart, loyal, rich, amazing, great heart" etc. and I could cc them on this email and they'll tell you.

And those are my ex's. My friends will all tell you. My little sister will tell you.

So, when you didn't call me, I thought it was so strange. I felt like "she's cool, but really need to get to know her more to see".

That was my take on the night. You can't judge someone after an awkward first date where I wore a sweater with a number on it so you could even recognize who I was. LOL! That's just ridiculous.

Listen, you obviously are not together with your ex for a reason. And instead of relaxing and moving forward you are holding onto something that isn't meant to be. I'm not asking you to date me. Now knowing what you're going through, I don't think you should be even close to dating.

Even if we learn that it's not going to work out, we still could be friends. I don't think ignoring everyone and dreaming about the glory days with your ex is the right thing to do.

I'm sure you're pissed at me now for saying all this, but I said it. And I'm sure your sister and friends will agree with me, even if they aren't telling you.

And I'm sure your ex is a really great guy but you can't force to be with him.

And stop selling yourself so short. You're smart, young, beautiful. You can do whatever you want. You don't need to dwell on someone that doesn't like you.

There's alot more out there and I'm sure you can do a lot better if you give people a chance. If he let you go, obviously, he's not that perfect.

And if your not together, there's obviously a good reason for it.

And because you are in such a fog with this ex, you aren't giving anyone else a chance. Forget me, no one will ever be able have a chance with you.

And that's terrible.

And to be really honest, I guarantee there isn't anything that your ex has that I don't. Not to be too blunt about it, sorry, it's probably the truth, but that doesn't matter anyway because you'll never know until you take your guard down and get out of this fog with your ex to see it.

I broke up with my ex a year ago. It's hard and I understand what you're going through, but at the end of the day, I know I made the right decision. I didn't force it. But I certainly didn't judge her after our first date for 4 hrs. If that was the case, I would of thought she was a snotty model with no personality. And that definitely wasn't the case. Infact, we used to laugh about that all the time.

I'm impressed your moving on but you also better not be "disappearing" in Italy because you don't want to deal with you ex.

Cause that is not the answer as well.

And I do think it's unfair that because you didn't want to see your ex, you decided to pass the time with me.

No offense, but I'm worth a lot more and have a lot more to offer someone.

You shouldn't feel you are settling with me. You should be showing me off.

Could you imagine if I was like "oh, my ex just canceled on me so I guess I'll meet Shelley and hope my ex texts me while I'm out with her. And just to be safe, I'll pick Doc Wastons."

That's ridiculous! Be stronger with yourself and move on.

I was lucky to meet you and I think the timing was perfect. And you started out giving us a chance, but then quickly threw up your guard and jumped into your fog comfort zone again.

And instead of just relaxing with me and hanging out, because of it, you judged me (being in your fog) & thinking about your ex and all this after a 4 hr stint at doc watsons. Let me ask you a question, with all that being said, what sparks did you think were going to fly there between us? Lol! Seriously!

I could have Bar Raphael in front of me and wouldn't of been interested in that state. Did you purposely also pick Doc Watson's to make it fail as well. Lol!

I'm not mad at all. I'm actually enjoying this conversation.

I just think you may be missing out on something really great and you deserve a lot more then where you are with an old ex.

If you do want to hang out again, now this time you owe ME dinner. Cause you were pre-judging and should of told me your situation before we met.

You are now punished.

Gotta hop on a 4:30 conf call, damn this email is way too long.

Write back.

Chris

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From: Shelley G. [mailto:shelley.g@gmail.com]
From: Christopher Segerdale [mailto:csegs@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, December 2, 2008 5:11:28 PM
Subject: Re: Alright...

I'm just going to tell you quickly that this will not work out. Sorry.

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From: Christopher Segerdale [mailto:csegs@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, December 02, 2008 5:24 PM
To: Shelley G. [mailto:shelley.g@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: Alright...

I'm sorry as well.

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I have to give props to Shelley for having the class and courtesy to even respond to this guy MULTIPLE times and for trying to give him a brutally honest answer.

A lesser person would have just blown him off from the get-go.

But then none of us would have been able to witness this treasure trove of ridiculousness.